If you have read any of my other posts, you know I have suffered through 3 miscarriages. I want to share my experience and my feelings. The ups and the downs. I hope to show you that whatever you are feeling, you are not alone.
So here I will begin my story. My first miscarriage…
“ALL I EVER WANTED WAS TO BE WAS A MOM”
As a little girl, all I ever dreamt about was getting married and having kids one day. Out of everything on this Earth I could be, the number one thing that I wanted to be, was a mom.
In my college years, I used to sit and watch my two young nieces on holidays or special occasions, gather together with all their cousins, and all the kids running around playing together and enjoying each other. One climbing and hanging from walls, some singing and dancing to the music, others running through the rooms dodging all the adults playing tag and laughing. That is what I always wanted. I imagined having kids of my own one day making those memories.
Fast forward to 2016. My husband and I had been trying to conceive for almost a year. Once we reached the year mark my doctor was going to send me to a Reproductive Doctor.
Then one day I was getting ready for work and realized I never got my period. I was late that month. This was not uncommon for me though. I was never regular. I could go days or even weeks every month being late. Because of that I always had to buy pregnancy tests, and usually had them on hand, just to be sure. Anyway, that morning I decided to take a test while I was getting ready. I honestly didn’t think twice about it because I was so used to having to do this and it always being negative, I knew that’s all it was this time too.
After a few minutes, I walk over to the pregnancy test. I was ready to just look at it, throw it away, and continue on with my morning routine. But…this time…It says I’m pregnant. Say what?! I literally just stood there staring at it. It had never said that before! In that moment, I laughed, I cried, I jumped up and down. Then I sat down, and I looked at it again. I checked the instructions to make sure I was reading the test right. I was so thrown off and excited I couldn’t even remember what I was about to do before I looked at it.
I was so excited I couldn’t wait to tell my husband. But I wanted to tell him in person and he was already at work for the day. I called my job and told them I was going to be late and drove directly to the store and bought a little football onesie so I could wrap it up as a gift and surprise my husband when he got home from work. My husband is a football freak- so I knew it would be perfect!
Still in the parking lot of the store, I sat in the car and called my OB/GYN. I couldn’t wait. I wanted to make an appointment and get things started NOW! The receptionist answered the phone and to hear myself telling her that I just found out I was pregnant and needed to schedule an appointment was so foreign to hear myself say. I was so excited my voice cracked. I was so super happy, I couldn’t stop smiling. She was asking me so many questions. Based on my last menstrual cycle, I was still very early on in the pregnancy and my first appointment was scheduled for weeks away. What? I didn’t want to wait! I wanted to go now!!
I started driving to work. The entire car ride was a blur. I couldn’t even figure out how to make it through the day at work knowing I was pregnant and being so excited and not telling anyone. I mean, I wanted to tell my husband first. At least before any friends at work! I made it until right past lunchtime and I felt like I was going to explode. I walked into my co-worker’s office and closed the door. She looked up at me and I just blurted out “I’m pregnant!!” OMG, I said it out loud!! She jumped up and gave me a big hug. She knew this was what I’d wanted for a long time. It felt so good to say it out loud and tell someone! Then, I swore her to secrecy! But I had to compose myself and get back to work until it was time to go home. Needless to say, the smile on my face did not go away all day!
“SHARING THE NEWS WITH MY HUSBAND”
I got home before my husband that day. I was pacing around the house still in shock and disbelief but SO FREAKING EXCITED! Finally! He was home! He walked through the door. I didn’t know what to do. How long do I wait to tell him? Do I do it now or wait until he is settled? Honestly, I don’t even remember how long I waited. I just remember him opening the gift, staring at it, then staring at me. I think it took him a few seconds to process what I was trying to tell him and then he just smiled and said “Are you serious?” I said, “Are you ready to be a dad again?” (Reminder-I have 2 step-children with him). We were both so incredibly happy we just cried and hugged each other. We couldn’t wait for this next chapter to begin.
“I’m sorry, there is no baby”
About 2 weeks later is when I first saw some spotting. It freaked me out but I read online that it could be normal in the beginning. I told myself everything was ok. Soon after, I started to get some cramping. It felt like the really bad cramps I would get when it was that time of the month. I called the doctor’s office and they had me come in right away to be checked.
I remember laying on the exam table getting my first ultrasound. The tech didn’t say much – which is literally the worst feeling. Then the doctor came in and tells us that the baby is measuring at 5 weeks, and that didn’t seem to add up to my last menstrual cycle, which would make me 6 weeks along. I didn’t think much of it though since I was so irregular and didn’t keep track of my cycle, my calculations were just an estimate. I contributed it to just being off by a week. The doctor put me on bed rest and told me unless I was driving to and from appointments to see him, I shouldn’t even be in a car. I was told to lay down and rest and only get up if necessary.
For the next 2 weeks, all I did was lay in bed or on the couch, but all I did was bleed. Every now and then I would have a better day, so I thought things were getting better…
Then one day I started cramping again. As I was in the bathroom this time, I definitely felt something “slip away” into the toilet. I walked out and told my husband, I think I may have just lost the baby. But since I didn’t stop bleeding after that, I told myself it must have just been a blood clot or something. I mean I wasn’t actually having a miscarriage. At least in my mind, that’s what I told myself. I was doing everything the doctor told me to do. I was laying and resting and, I was convinced, everything was going to be ok. I was not accepting that anything was actually wrong. I was finally pregnant and I wanted this baby!
A day or 2 later, I don’t even remember, to be honest, I went back into the doctor’s office. Once again, I was laying on the exam table getting an ultrasound. And once again, the tech wasn’t saying much. Actually, she was literally saying nothing. It was torture. Then, suddenly, she says, “ok you can sit up and get dressed, I will get the doctor”. I just looked at my husband and he looked at me. She could have at least said something else to us about my baby, right?. But still, I was staying positive, because there was no way something was wrong with the pregnancy.
The doctor comes in. He looks at us both and says “I am so sorry, there is no easy way to say this. There was no baby. You had a miscarriage.”
My heart instantly broke into pieces. I fell into my husband’s arms and sobbed. I could feel him shaking too. I thought it was because of me but when I looked up, I saw tears coming out of his eyes too, which just made me cry more. I failed him. I failed myself. I failed this baby. I couldn’t give my husband this child. So many thoughts and emotions went through me. This is nothing I ever imagined would happen to me.
The following weeks were hard. All I did was cry. It took me a week to go back to work. I didn’t want to face anyone who knew what happened. I didn’t believe I could make it through the day without breaking down. There were too many emotions going through my head every day. I never imagined having to go through something like this…
“ALL THE EMOTIONS“
Devastation, Emptiness, Failure, Feeling alone
Why? How? What could I have done to prevent this?
It’s my fault. Something is wrong with me. I could have done more.
These are just some of the emotions and thoughts that ran through my head constantly.
People would tell me, “You are not alone”. They would say it was ok to feel all the emotions. It was ok to talk about it. It was ok to accept that it was not my fault and nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome.
I still struggle with accepting that thought. I feel like accepting it means I’m ok with what happened. And I’m not. I never will be.
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I can only imagine how many women who suffer a miscarriage can relate to these feelings. Let us help each other. Please share your story or share any emotions you are feeling. Let us help each other keep going.
