My Babies
If you read my “about me” page, you read that I am a stepmother of 2 and biologically a mother
of 4… 3 angel babies and 1 rainbow baby. Everything I went through with my biological children
all happened from 2016-2021. This is my story. This is how my life has changed forever and
am trying to figure out how to move forward.
Here is my timeline:
- December 2016 – miscarriage at 7 weeks
- March 2019 – my daughter was born
- February 2020 – miscarriage at 17 weeks
- March 2021 – miscarriage at 17 weeks
Seeing that word ‘miscarriage’; it honestly takes my breath away. It hurts my heart and fills my
eyes with tears. There are no words that comfort me. Nothing will give me my babies.
My Angel Baby is Truly my Angel
My daughter, Addison, is my world. She lights up any room she walks into. Friends and family
adore her. Even strangers look at her in stores and stop and tell me how amazing she is. I look
at her and thank God every day that she was given to me.
She keeps me going every single day. The, “I love you mama”, is literally the best thing I hear.
But even with that, I can say there are so many times throughout the day that I still break down
thinking about what I should have had. I should also have a son. (Both miscarriages I had at 17
weeks I knew I was having a boy).
I sit and watch her play, and I imagine her little brother sitting next to her and the two of them
just playing and laughing together. In an instant, my eyes fill up and the struggle of knowing
that will never be a reality is overwhelming.
Grateful to be a Step Mother
Now before I get into more, I do want to acknowledge that I am also a stepmother to 2
children, whom I love as much as if they were my own. As I speak about my 4 children, I am
taking nothing away from the wonderful relationship I have with each of them. And more
importantly, the incredible love and bond they both have with my daughter. These 3 siblings
love each other more than words can describe, and I am forever grateful for that. I am so
happy my daughter can have such a wonderful relationship with her siblings.
I am speaking in terms of biological children for me. That bond is special and I was given it
multiple times to have it ripped away from me. That does make a difference to me in my
healing process.
Every Day is a Struggle
Every day is a struggle. Most days I put on a fake smile and pretend I’m getting by ok.
I absolutely love babies and always have. I would always be the one you would have to tear a
baby away from because I would be hogging him/her and not letting others get a turn. Now I
struggle to hold a baby. I still love them and will play with them, but it is extremely difficult to
put my whole heart into it. All I can think about is, I will never get a chance to hold my own
baby like that again.
It is hard to smile every day when deep down I am so sad. I worry that I will never really be
“happy” again. The thought of what happened to me is engraved in my thoughts and my brain.
I put on a fake smile most of the time. Even if I am not thinking about it at that moment, I still
feel like it’s in the back of my mind, just pulling at my brain to bring those thoughts back to my
mind. I cannot get through a day where I am truly happy and not sad about what could have
been.
My Hope for This Blog
Throughout this blog, I will be telling my personal story and my struggles and how it has
affected me. I will be sharing what may or may not have helped me and how looking to others
for support is not a bad thing. I want to educate everyone on what can be or should be done to
help someone you love who has gone through this. I am also hoping to get a community of
other women who have experienced this heartache and would like to share their stories and
get comfort in knowing they are not alone.
Are you struggling with the grief and pain of suffering a miscarriage? Please share your story.
