Anyone who has ever suffered a miscarriage knows firsthand that your emotions run wild. So many emotions can run through your head at any given moment.
Experiencing a miscarriage can be a very difficult and deeply emotional time for a woman and even for couples, and the emotions that people may feel after a miscarriage can vary widely depending on their personal experiences, circumstances, and coping mechanisms.
The emotions one might experience can vary from person to person, and there is no set and no right or wrong emotion to feel. It’s important to remember that everyone’s experiences are different, and each person can feel different emotions at different times and for different time frames.
The most important thing to know is that you are not alone in feeling these emotions and it is OK to feel all of them. They all will help you cope with what has happened.
To be honest, it was hard to choose only 10 to talk about because I faced so many emotions, but these are the emotions that were (and are) the hardest for me. Here are some common emotions that people may experience after suffering a miscarriage. I am still trying to deal with many of them to this day.
GRIEF
It is completely normal and valid to grieve after a miscarriage. Miscarriage is a loss of a pregnancy; a loss of a child; and it can be a significant emotional and physical experience for anyone who goes through it. Even though you did not get to “meet” your child, it does not mean you are not allowed to grieve for your child.
Grief is a natural response to loss, and everyone’s experience of grief is unique. The loss of a pregnancy is devastating and can trigger feelings of sadness, depression, and even despair.
Grieving after a miscarriage is a healthy and important part of the healing process. It allows individuals to acknowledge and process their feelings, and to begin to come to terms with their loss. Everyone grieves differently. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and it is ok to take the time you need to process your feelings and heal from the experience of your miscarriage.
SHOCK
Some people may feel shocked or numb after a miscarriage, as the loss can be unexpected and sudden. This is a common and normal response to any traumatic and unexpected event. When we get pregnant, we don’t expect to have a miscarriage. We are not prepared for that loss.
Shock is a natural response to trauma. It is a way for our bodies to cope with the overwhelming emotions and sensations we are feeling. Ones that we were not ready to face. It can manifest as feeling numb, disconnected from reality, and having difficulty processing information or making decisions. The body and mind are adjusting to this new reality, no one should feel guilty for having these emotions. Allow yourself to feel the shock after a miscarriage. It is part of the grieving process and it is important to allow yourself to feel all of it.
GUILT
Many women who have suffered a miscarriage may feel a sense of guilt or responsibility for the loss. They may feel guilty, thinking that they might have done something wrong during the pregnancy that led to the miscarriage, even if there is no logical reason for them to feel this way. Many also wonder if they could have done something differently to prevent it from happening.
However, it is important to remember that miscarriage is usually caused by genetic abnormalities or other factors beyond an individual’s control. It is not typically caused by anything the mother did or did not do.
I definitely struggled with this and still do to this day. Did I work out too much, or not enough? Did I eat something I shouldn’t have? Should I have demanded more checkups to make sure the baby was ok? Should I have known something was wrong? These thoughts ran through my head so much, especially in the early days after the miscarriage. Honestly, I still struggle with them occasionally.
I was told so many times by doctors, my friends, my husband that it was not my fault. But as much as I knew that was true in a sense, I couldn’t really let myself believe that. I was my child’s mother. I should have known…
ANGER
Anger can also be a natural reaction to loss because it is a way to express frustration and helplessness. When something happens that is out of our control, such as a miscarriage, it can be challenging to cope with these emotions. Some people may feel angry at themselves, their bodies, their partners, or even the world in general for their loss.
It is important to acknowledge these feelings of anger and allow yourself to feel them. Do not suppress or ignore them. Let yourself feel the emotions. Let yourself express your emotions. Anger is a valid emotion after a miscarriage. Be mad, be angry. It’s ok! Allow yourself to feel all the emotions as part of your healing process.
SADNESS
It is completely normal and understandable to feel sad after a miscarriage. Many women develop a strong emotional attachment to their pregnancy, and the loss of that pregnancy can be devasting and extremely hard to handle. You wanted a baby, not a loss of a baby. Losing a baby is a significant loss. Whether it’s your first time about to be a parent or if you already have kids and then experience miscarriage, the feelings do not change. It is still a loss, and you still feel all the emotions.
It is ok to feel sad. Let yourself feel what you need to feel. It could make it difficult for you to be happy or content for a while. Find someone you can turn to and talk to them. It could be your partner, a family member, a close friend, or even a therapist. Talking about your feelings can be a great way to relieve some of the pent-up stress and emotions of the situation.
For me, this emotion has lasted a long time. And sometimes I don’t realize it is still there and all of a sudden it hits me. I realize even though I have been going about my days, I am still sad. I have come to tell myself it is ok to feel sad. My feelings are valid. I do find, however, that being sad internally and not expressing my feelings to someone makes it harder for me to cope. I suggest turning to someone you trust when you need someone to listen. Just know that you are not alone and you are allowed to feel this way. And there are probably more people around you that want to help you than you even realize.
ANXIETY
There are so many reasons someone could experience anxiety after having a miscarriage. I sure know I did.
After my miscarriage, I experienced anxiety about my ability to conceive in the future and if I would even be able to carry a pregnancy to term the next time. I worried about how I would cope if I had another miscarriage. I had anxiety about if I should even try again because I didn’t know if I could emotionally handle another miscarriage. After my second miscarriage at 17 weeks, my husband and I decided not to try again to have another baby. We both wanted to save me (and us both) from having to go through the heartache again. Honestly, I have anxiety to this day on whether or not that was even the right decision for us.
I also felt like I lost control. I lost control of my body, even my life. This wasn’t in my plan when I was thinking about having a family. I felt like I should have known and done more to prevent it from happening. This has caused so much anxiety and helplessness for me. It is understandable for you to feel this way also.
During pregnancy, your body experiences so many hormonal changes. After experiencing a miscarriage, your body needs to suddenly adjust to this disruption in hormones. These changes, especially feeling the change from being pregnant to not being pregnant, and not having a baby to hold could lead anyone to feel a considerable amount of anxiety.
Some women could also feel as if their thoughts are creating nightmares and flashbacks of the traumatic time. Others could even experience post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Whatever the specific reason you are experiencing anxiety, it is essential to remember that anxiety after a miscarriage is normal and that seeking support and practicing self-care can be beneficial in managing these feelings.
SHAME/SELF-DOUBT
After a miscarriage, women may question their self-worth or their ability to become a parent. Or they could even feel that their body has let them down. And they question why they could not become a parent to this child. Some women may feel a sense of shame or embarrassment about their miscarriage, which can make it harder for them to reach out for support.
For me, I felt like I not only let myself down, but I let my husband down as well. I felt like I could not give him another child. I felt like I wasn’t woman enough and my body couldn’t do what it was supposed to do. I felt like I failed him. And in my instance, I failed him more than once.
So many women dream of someday having a child and starting a family. Others look at having a child as what they are supposed to do in life. You may look at it as if it’s your primary role. So when a miscarriage happens, that could cause you to feel shame in yourself because you think you were somehow responsible for that loss, or that you could not meet even your own expectations.
After feeling like this, it makes it hard to open up to others and express your emotions. I know, for me, sometimes it is hard to mention my experience with my multiple miscarriages because I feel ashamed that I could not save my unborn children and keep them safe. I am their mother, and I should have known something was going to happen. As many times as I am told it wasn’t my fault and there was nothing different I could have done, I still have this sense of being abnormal or flawed as a woman.
There is also what some could call societal pressure to have a perfect pregnancy and be the perfect parent. No one talks about or thinks about having a miscarriage when they become pregnant. It is just assumed that once you are pregnant, you will have a baby. That can feel like a lot of pressure when you then suffer a miscarriage. It could make you feel like you failed in these areas, causing you to feel like you are not good enough.
I sometimes wonder why my babies were taken from me and why I could not have the family I wanted to have. I doubt myself and my ability to be a parent. If I was going to be a good parent, why wasn’t I given that opportunity to those babies? Although I know there could be so many reasons why the miscarriages happened, I always seem to turn the blame on myself.
It’s hard not to worry about how others will perceive you when you feel like you failed to do something right. You can be afraid that others will judge you for your loss and inability to carry a pregnancy to term.
LONELINESS
Dealing with having a miscarriage is an emotionally and physically painful experience. For many, it is hard to talk about. And some may not even feel comfortable talking about their experience with others.
One reason you may feel lonely after a miscarriage is that it can be difficult to share your experience with others. Miscarriage is a sensitive topic and many people may not know how to respond or may even avoid the subject altogether, leaving you feeling unsupported.
Many wait to tell anyone about their pregnancy until they get to the 12 week mark so they don’t have to then tell people if they, unfortunately, lost the baby in that time frame.
In my opinion, that is also telling women not to talk about it. Because in my instance, I did wait to tell many about my last pregnancy, for fear that I would have another miscarriage. And when I did have another miscarriage, now I felt alone and like I had no one to help me through it.
How was keeping the pregnancy a secret helping me cope with having a miscarriage? Plain and simple- it didn’t. In many ways, I feel like it made it a bit worse for me. Instead of telling people I was pregnant, I was telling them I was pregnant AND had a miscarriage. I was dealing with a lot of emotions at that point and still had to tell them about the pregnancy.
It was super hard for me to talk about my feelings to my friends and family. I didn’t want to bother them with my sadness and negativity about the situation. I felt like I would be a burden to them. So I very rarely brought it up or talked about it. Not even to my husband. I kept it inside. But part of me wanted and needed that sympathy and compassion from others. I needed to talk about it.
Every now and then someone gave me that look and asked, “how are you doing” – as if they wanted me to know that’s what they were asking about specifically, but didn’t want to say it – I would say it’s hard but I’m doing ok. And that would be the end of it. I didn’t give them the answer I really wanted to give them. I didn’t tell them that I was heartbroken and miserable and my world had collapsed. I didn’t tell them that I felt alone and sad all the time. (All. The. Time.) I didn’t want to put that on them. But how was that helping me?
The loss of a pregnancy can lead to a sense of emptiness and a feeling of having lost a part of yourself. You may feel as though no one else can truly understand what you are going through, further contributing to feelings of loneliness. But I can say I learned the more I started to talk about it, the more I learned how many others also went through a miscarriage that I didn’t know before. I started to not feel as alone each time.
ENVY
Have you ever been scrolling through social media and come across one of those cute baby announcement posts from someone you know? Have you walked into a store to see a mother pushing a shopping cart or stroller with her newborn baby or her multiple children? Have you watched television and the show has a pregnant woman or a baby commercial comes on while you are watching? And have any of these made you feel like why can they have a baby and I can’t? Yeah- me too…
I mean it doesn’t matter that the woman on the TV show has a fake belly because she is only playing a woman who is pregnant. All you see is something you wanted and was taken away from you. It doesn’t matter that the mother you saw in the store looks like she hasn’t slept and is trying to shop while her 3 screaming kids are making it hard for her to concentrate. You are still envious. You envy the fact that they have something you do not – a child/ren. And this is a normal response.
During my last pregnancy, there were 8 women that I knew that were also pregnant at the same time and due within 2 weeks of when my due date was. After having the miscarriage and then watching all 8 of them carry to term and have their beautiful babies, was heartbreaking to me. Although I was super happy for them, it ripped a piece of my heart out a little more each time a baby was born. Being envious of them was an understatement.
Seeing other women who have successfully carried their pregnancies to term can trigger these feelings of envy. Not only do they have something that you lost, but you feel as though you missed out on an essential part of life, leaving you feeling left out or inadequate.
CONFUSION
Why? Why? Why?
Why me?
How did this happen?
What did I do wrong?
I never thought this could happen to me!
Will this happen to me again?!
So many questions come after suffering a miscarriage. And most of these questions will never actually get answered. It is a very confusing time to get through.
Miscarriage is a traumatic experience and it can be very difficult to understand why it happened and what it means for your life going forward. You ask yourself “Will I ever get through this?” or “Will I ever become a mother?” or even “Was I meant to have children?”
Or maybe you are wondering “What could I have done differently to save my baby?” or “Do I need to do something different if I get pregnant again to prevent another miscarriage?”
So many questions, but rarely ever any answers. Especially no answers that will help you feel better. You go through each day feeling a ray of mixed emotions. Your emotions can range from sadness to anger to anxiety to maybe even relief. All these conflicting emotions could leave anyone feeling confused about how they feel and a sense of whether they will ever get through it.
Miscarriage can be a confusing and disorienting experience, particularly for those who had not expected it or did not know much about it beforehand. As mentioned above, miscarriage is not talked about so openly. I know my second miscarriage was a complete shock. I was totally caught off guard when I was told there was no heartbeat. No one can prepare for that feeling.
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It is important to remember that everyone’s journey after a miscarriage is unique, and again, there is no right or wrong way to feel. All these emotions are normal and valid. It is important to give yourself time to grieve and process your emotions. It is essential to take care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally, and to seek help and support when needed. It is important to be kind and gentle to yourself as you navigate all these different emotions.
Please feel free to send in your story or struggles or what may have helped you get through these emotions. I want women to know they can count on each other and that miscarriage should not be something we are afraid to talk about. Sharing your story and hearing other stories can help to reduce your feelings of sadness, isolation, or any of the emotions listed above. Let’s provide a sense of community with others who have gone through similar experiences.
What other emotions did you feel? What emotions can you give me to add to this list of emotions?
